No Good and Pitiful

I had a little meltdown today. I felt like I didn't know how or what to paint, and that the well had run dry. I felt bad and didn't think anyone would want to hear about it either. After feeling sorry for myself for a while, I decided I was the only one who could help me. I buckled down to observe what thoughts were going through my head. I realized that I was thinking I was not good enough, not talented enough....no wonder I felt so terrible.


So I decided to look these tricksters, who wanted to keep me from painting, straight in the eyes. I asked them curiously and politely "How do you do?" and "Who are you?" One of them actually stepped forward and proudly said, I am "No Good." She boasted that she had a foolproof method: she can always prove she's "No Good" because someone is always better. Then "Pitiful" came over and sat down right next to her best friend "No Good." In fact, she wanted to be my best friend too. She tried to convince me that feeling "No Good" was downright "Pitiful" and that I should be friends with them both. I might have gone along with "No Good" and "Pitiful" .....their stories sounded so true..... but I didn't want to meet "Defeat." They adored "Defeat," and always rolled out the red carpet to greet her.


So, I decided that being "Good" wasn't required. All that was required was to play. I walked out of their living room and into My Playroom. I invited "No Good" and "Pitiful" to play, but "No Good" said she wasn't any good at playing and "Pitiful" didn't like all the bright colors. They sat around, hoping I would get tired of playing. After a while, I was so busy playing, I didn't notice them anymore.

There I was painting, but just for play. I decided not to care how it turned out this time. I found a photo that I felt inspired to paint. I sketched and painted quickly and with bold strokes. Since I am going to California next week, I used my new travel set of paints so I could see how the little pan paints worked. I was glad to find out that they work and that I will need to take along some larger brushes. It was fun. And my painting was actually "Good." If "No Good" and "Pitiful" show up again, I will recognize them. Maybe I can get them to play with me next time.

The intent of enjoyment

I find myself having some expectations of how my art should look or be. I don't argue with it; I just refocus my intent back to enjoying what I am doing. Yesterday, I noticed the satisfaction of adding warm yellows and greens to my painting of the red/pink/purple poppies. And a sense of excitement when I added darker greens to the background. I reflected on how I seem to need or want a lot of color in my paintings. My inner critic says I'm not making my paintings look realistic enough. But I feel joy painting in a way to capture the imagination; so for now, that is what I will do. I am playing with paint and color, to see how it feels, and how I like it. I know when I'm moving in the right direction with my painting because it's fun!

Why do I paint?!

I had the distinct feeling yesterday that I just didn't want to paint. It felt stale, stagnant. I knew I didn't feel like working on any of the paintings I had in progress. In fact, I felt tired, like I wanted to go lie down. Instead, I sat and observed what was going on inside me. I realized that I felt some pressure to put out good paintings, and admitted to myself that I was afraid of my art not turning out as well this time. I felt a response to that acknowledgement rise quickly from within, "No, this is not what it's about for me! The reason I do this is because I love doing it!" My energy had returned. I reflected on and remembered what loving to paint felt like. I knew now I wanted to paint something new and different!

Poppies! A magazine picture I had saved, and some photos on the internet inspired me to create my own composition. It was really exciting. I spent quite a bit of time playing with how I wanted to arrange the flowers on a sketchpad before transferring my design to watercolor paper. I'm experimenting with using plenty of water with my pigment rather that wetting the paper first. I ended up with several backruns or "blossoms" in places where I added more wet paint before the previous paint was completely dry, inducing a surprise effect to the foliage. It is fun to try new things. Looking forward to continuing today! I'm stylin'!