Coming in the back door

Just reporting in on the problem of "not knowing" what to do. I didn't know how to finish my poppy painting. I knew it was missing something, but I didn't know what. I tried drawing some additional flowers/buds/leaves but nothing seemed to work and I erased them all. Then as I was about to fall asleep it came to me. My original sketch! When I got up in the morning, I took out my original sketch, which had served as the blueprint for the sketch I then transferred onto watercolor paper for my painting. I added to my original design on the sketchpad, by trial and error, until I got one that worked! Success! I then drew the additions onto my painting on the watercolor paper. I knew how I wanted to paint the rest, and how I wanted to do the background. Clear sailing!

I can't say that I was able to envision the design I wanted. But I got a result I liked by using a "back door" approach. I may not have foresight yet, but at least I can use a little hindsight to fill in the gaps in my vision! The learning process is crooked and winding, but I am managing to stay on the path.

No Good and Pitiful

I had a little meltdown today. I felt like I didn't know how or what to paint, and that the well had run dry. I felt bad and didn't think anyone would want to hear about it either. After feeling sorry for myself for a while, I decided I was the only one who could help me. I buckled down to observe what thoughts were going through my head. I realized that I was thinking I was not good enough, not talented enough....no wonder I felt so terrible.


So I decided to look these tricksters, who wanted to keep me from painting, straight in the eyes. I asked them curiously and politely "How do you do?" and "Who are you?" One of them actually stepped forward and proudly said, I am "No Good." She boasted that she had a foolproof method: she can always prove she's "No Good" because someone is always better. Then "Pitiful" came over and sat down right next to her best friend "No Good." In fact, she wanted to be my best friend too. She tried to convince me that feeling "No Good" was downright "Pitiful" and that I should be friends with them both. I might have gone along with "No Good" and "Pitiful" .....their stories sounded so true..... but I didn't want to meet "Defeat." They adored "Defeat," and always rolled out the red carpet to greet her.


So, I decided that being "Good" wasn't required. All that was required was to play. I walked out of their living room and into My Playroom. I invited "No Good" and "Pitiful" to play, but "No Good" said she wasn't any good at playing and "Pitiful" didn't like all the bright colors. They sat around, hoping I would get tired of playing. After a while, I was so busy playing, I didn't notice them anymore.

There I was painting, but just for play. I decided not to care how it turned out this time. I found a photo that I felt inspired to paint. I sketched and painted quickly and with bold strokes. Since I am going to California next week, I used my new travel set of paints so I could see how the little pan paints worked. I was glad to find out that they work and that I will need to take along some larger brushes. It was fun. And my painting was actually "Good." If "No Good" and "Pitiful" show up again, I will recognize them. Maybe I can get them to play with me next time.

Not knowing

Sometimes I worry that I lack sufficient vision or creativity to be a painter. I noticed as I was painting the poppies that I don't have a very clear picture of what I'm trying to create. I don't seem to have a grand vision of what I want it to look like when I'm done. The painting seems to be emerging gradually, one section, sometimes one brushstroke, at a time. I do know what I like when I see it, and this does seem to help me know what to do next.

I was debating about whether to blog about this or not, when I got a little nudge from the advice in my Chinese fortune cookie today. It read: "You do not have to know where you are going to be headed in the right direction." Wow, that was just the prompt I needed!

I do notice that sometimes I enjoy not knowing where I'm going, forcing me to listen to the inner nudges, to go with a gut feeling about my painting. Sometimes it turns out great, sometimes not, but it is always exciting to paint this way. I suspect I am learning what I need to learn right now. Maybe planning and vision will come as I continue painting. I'll keep you posted.

The intent of enjoyment

I find myself having some expectations of how my art should look or be. I don't argue with it; I just refocus my intent back to enjoying what I am doing. Yesterday, I noticed the satisfaction of adding warm yellows and greens to my painting of the red/pink/purple poppies. And a sense of excitement when I added darker greens to the background. I reflected on how I seem to need or want a lot of color in my paintings. My inner critic says I'm not making my paintings look realistic enough. But I feel joy painting in a way to capture the imagination; so for now, that is what I will do. I am playing with paint and color, to see how it feels, and how I like it. I know when I'm moving in the right direction with my painting because it's fun!

How am I doing?

Yesterday marked the end of my first week of blogging. I painted 6 out of 7 days, close to my goal of painting everyday. It has been an exciting challenge that has me at my art table more than ever before!

On 6 out of 7 days I wrote and put up a post. This has given me the opportunity to experience and observe the creative process and express my observations to others. What a trip!

I've received 23 comments from readers, including 5 comments directly on my blog, and 18 through email. I love it! Thanks to all who are participating with me in this exploration! I feel so wonderfully connected and grateful for you all.

I have no idea where this challenge and blog will lead. Thanks for coming on the journey with me. What are your experiences in doing more of what you love??

Why do I paint?!

I had the distinct feeling yesterday that I just didn't want to paint. It felt stale, stagnant. I knew I didn't feel like working on any of the paintings I had in progress. In fact, I felt tired, like I wanted to go lie down. Instead, I sat and observed what was going on inside me. I realized that I felt some pressure to put out good paintings, and admitted to myself that I was afraid of my art not turning out as well this time. I felt a response to that acknowledgement rise quickly from within, "No, this is not what it's about for me! The reason I do this is because I love doing it!" My energy had returned. I reflected on and remembered what loving to paint felt like. I knew now I wanted to paint something new and different!

Poppies! A magazine picture I had saved, and some photos on the internet inspired me to create my own composition. It was really exciting. I spent quite a bit of time playing with how I wanted to arrange the flowers on a sketchpad before transferring my design to watercolor paper. I'm experimenting with using plenty of water with my pigment rather that wetting the paper first. I ended up with several backruns or "blossoms" in places where I added more wet paint before the previous paint was completely dry, inducing a surprise effect to the foliage. It is fun to try new things. Looking forward to continuing today! I'm stylin'!

Reclaiming the necklace

As I sat on the porch this morning wondering what I would write in my blog, my dream from last night flashed into my mind. I began to write it down in my journal.

I had left my tiger's eye necklace behind in a shop's dressing room. When I went back to the dressing room to look, I found my necklace there hanging on a hook, on which there were also many other necklaces. I was relieved to find my necklace still there, and I figured that most people simply did not know its value. I thought about just taking it, but something urged me to tell the shopkeeper I had found it and that I was reclaiming it. The shopkeeper was delighted I had recovered my necklace. She wanted me to come by her office so we could document what had happened. I suspected that her real business was in helping people recover what was precious to them. I really didn't want to take the time to stop, as the group I was with was going on ahead. But I also wanted to give this woman recognition for what she was doing. My recollection of the dream ended with me feeling conflict between a desire to show appreciation and a fear of lagging behind.

The tiger's eye necklace ....I had picked it out as an anniversary gift from my husband, but it was also a gift to myself. I had rarely shopped for jewelry and this one delighted me. I knew the necklace was secure in my jewelry drawer, so I asked myself, "what else that I love have I left behind?" The answer came quickly, "my art."

This realization brought a flood of questions: Is it too late to pick it up? Do I really need to keep up with the crowd? Who is the shopkeeper? I knew that the shopkeeper did not want me to unceremoniously grab the necklace and run. She wanted me to take the time to show appreciation and delight in what she was doing.

So here I am, writing about the process of recovering my creative self. And thanking the shopkeeper.

What's my style?

I just didn't feel like working on the cactus rose anymore. I was happy with the central portion of the painting and felt uninspired to to add more detail to the surrounding areas. Though I considered it quite unfinished, I took it to class for some feedback on what else was needed, seeking some re-inspiration to finish it.

To my surprise, my teacher suggested I consider leaving out further detail. She pointed out that the style was "loose" or somewhat abstract, with some shapes clearly defined and some not. She asked me to compare this style to the clearly defined and "tight" style I used in my painting of the fruit basket. I realized that though both styles have appeal, my inner artist was yearning to paint in the more "loose" style. Letting go of my idea of how art should be, and doing it the way that gives me more joy, seems to be a path to making my art my own....

Dance lesson

As I paint the cactus rose, its beauty is starting to pop out from the paper. Deviating from standard procedure, I cheated by adding my dark colors to the central blossom, causing it to "pop," before I had finished laying down the lighter colors throughout.

I love to do what the painting asks me to do. It's like an intimate conversation, or a dance. A little bit of tango thrown in early in the lesson keeps me dancing.

The flow of water and words

Ugh, painting a basket of fruit didn't sound very interesting to me...but that was the assignment in my last art class. How many baskets of fruit have been painted over the centuries? I didn't figure they needed one more. But as I looked at the colors and shapes and played with the paint...all of a sudden I realized it didn't seem so boring anymore.

To my surprise, here I am......discovering all the different colors you can see in just one piece of fruit, amazing myself with the way the water on the brush draws out the pigment on my paper, causing it to flow in lovely ways. My dad comes in and sits by me. I think this is the first time anyone has ever watched me paint. He, who claims to have no artistic abilities or interests, seems intrigued by what is holding my fascination. I try to explain why I am spending my time this way, but realize I can't, so I offer, "I have no idea why I love painting" and just continue to paint.

He seemed to understand that there was no answer. He asked questions about how the paint and water work , mixed in with our usual, causal conversation. Seemed like the easy comfort I felt with my dad flowed like water to draw out the tart and curious questions with which he colored our conversation. Ah, the joy of painting with watercolor and the joy of a conversation that flows.

My challenge

I know I love to paint. I know I want more joy in my life. My goal with this blog is to achieve these two things in one personal challenge.

I painted a little when I was a kid. In fact, my painting of a nun on a cobblestone street is still hanging prominently in my dad's house. But I completely forgot I liked to paint. I had a career and kids and only after 50 was hit with a compelling urge to find what I really love to do.

Rediscovering art was an accident. A friend brought watercolors to a girls-only weekend retreat and insisted that we all paint. That was a beginning but the knowledge of my love for painting grew slowly. My daughter signed us up for a four-week art class and my typical determination and perfectionism didn't lead to great results; my first attempts were a disaster. But when I finally gave up my attempts at control I surprised myself with the first painting that I was really proud of. When I took it in to be framed the guy asked me who the artist was. I didn't know what to say. I didn't think of myself as an artist but I knew he was talking about me.

I hid my growing love of painting so no one would expect much. I took another class, but almost didn't make it through. I looked at the other students' masterpieces and almost cried every time I had to display mine for critique at the end of class. After several more months of self-doubt, I met a watercolor artist at an art fair whose work I loved. When I asked her if she would teach me, she revealed that she had only been painting a few years and that she did not feel qualified to teach. She actually said she was "terrible" when she first started. I couldn't believe it....maybe there was some hope for me!

That was my epiphany! I decided my goal is to have fun as an artist: whether I am good or not I want to learn from every brushstroke. Sometimes when I paint, I can feel an inner joy bubbling up, and I love it! Other times I don't feel inspired and I don't paint at all. I am wondering if the act of painting creates the inspiration or the other way around.

That leads me back to my challenge. I know I love to paint and I know I want more joy in my life. But can I successfully combine these goals? To answer this question I'm challenging myself to paint every day, with the intention of having fun and learning. What I observe and learn in the process is what I will write about and share.

Thanks for joining me.